For many years, I maintained the romantic notion that at 6:57AM on my 29th birthday, I would just cease to exist. That my candle would have burned so brightly for a few short years, exhausting all creative and other energies, and suddenly be extinguished with a quick breath. Well, I'm still here, and I think I was dreaming about Strawberry Shortcake (the doll, not the food) at 6:57 this morning.
I'm really not so surprised or disappointed to still be here. For while the world looks at the notorious (not that I am at all notorious) who had their lives stolen at an early age as heroes, I think it would be a bit of a bummer to be gone so soon. Having accomplished so much and built such wonderful friendships -- only to have it end so suddenly.
However, when I do look back at the things I have done, I worry that too much of my time was spent on things that I did because I was somehow coerced, or made to feel fear of guilt or punishment. That sounds like extreme language to use, but I see so many examples around me of people doing things because they're worried about disappointing someone, their love for another allows them to turn a blind eye to exploitation, doing things they are uncomfortable with simply to avoid admitting they were wrong, etc. I suppose if I am lucky enough to have another 29 years, I'd like to feel like the last half of my life was spent on things I want to accomplish, as opposed to those tasks I should do.
Anyway, happy new year to everyone, and have an extra glass of champagne tonight for me.